Telephone Anxiety

Today is just not going so well for me. I’m totally frustrated, scatter-brained and having trouble speaking properly on the damn telephone, *sigh* it is definitely my anxieties at work and kicking up a storm today. I feel so useless and incompetent and wondering what on earth I am doing here. I feel like crawling up into bed and just sleeping for the rest of the day but I can’t because I’ve got at least one more hour to go. Won’t this madness end? Gah! I need for this day to be over and hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Things for me have been going pretty well up until now. Getting along, doing my work and just dealing with everything that comes along but for some reason today, I feel totally lost and incompetent and had trouble stringing two sentences together on the telephone, which as a result, makes me feel insecure about my voice again and then I’m second guessing my abilities and it becomes a never-ending cycle.

Maybe because I’m so self-conscious of making the right impression over the telephone that I over think it and then I end up becoming so nervous that I lose my ability to speak properly and start having trouble breathing. Something that feeds into itself over and over and just makes me so anxious when I have to use the telephone.

And then after I have a bad telephone conversation, it really affects my mood and I over analyze the conversation, feeling like a total idiot about every fucking word that was spoken or actually not spoken properly. But at the same time, I know I shouldn’t really give a shit about anything or anyone or making a good impression but I guess it’s easier said than done. I’ve got a lot of work to do and sometimes, it feels like such an uphill battle.

Feeling Like an Impostor

Wow. I really suck at this blog thing! I haven’t been here in ages!! I have been so busy with work and trying to get my life back on track that it’s so hard to find time to sit at the computer to write after work hours. I am now at work and need some time to refocus my thoughts before jumping back in again so hopefully this will help.

I have been overwhelmed with my job these past couple weeks, granted I just started about three weeks ago. Sometimes I feel a tad incompetent as I have forgotten how things work in the “real world”.

Getting up early every morning and taking the subway an hour and a half during rush hour is taking a while to get use to but I am slowly adjusting. Oddly enough, I am beginning to enjoy my time into the city as it gives me a chance to listen to my music, read my book or contemplate the day ahead or if it’s the ride back, to think about things that have happened during the day.

In regards to my job, some days are good days and I get a lot of work done but on other days, I feel as if I’m floundering, having no clue what to do and unable to focus on the task at hand. My concentration is definitely lacking, it’s so hard to focus because for two years, I haven’t needed to flex those skills! But as they say, the brain is a muscle so I just need to work on it daily and hopefully I’ll be up to par with what my abilities once were or maybe even better!

Have you ever felt like you were an impostor in someone’s life? As if one day, someone’s going to come in and boot you out because you don’t belong? That’s how I’ve been feeling on those down days –I feel like an impostor trying to do this job, incompetent, lost and that one day, the big boss will find out that I don’t know what the hell I am doing and fire me! *LOL* I know it’s absurd but on those unproductive days, I can’t help but indulge in some sordid nightmare/fantasy reality.

So today is one of those unproductive days, it started off productive enough but then I got sidetracked by a telephone call, the processing of the invoices and my interaction with the big boss. Consequently, now I can’t seem to focus on what I was doing prior to the interruptions! I’m hoping that writing about it and about my inabilities to focus will eventually help me to focus because I will be able to get it all out of my system! And usually writing really helps me to focus and apparently I haven’t been doing enough of that online!! Maybe I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone, who knows! Well, I’m off to try and get back on track now!

Beautiful Winter

Ugh! I don’t feel as if I accomplished much today so I’m considering it a write-off. Seriously, yesterday was so much better and more productive. Today, not so much as things have remained stagnant.

I am unable to focus and concentrate –that may be due to the noisiness of the renovations going on across the hall. My mind is scattered and I can’t help but keep looking outside at the falling snow.

I absolutely can’t wait to get outside and walk around in it! I feel like such a geek –while most people are hating the snow, I absolutely love it! I guess that’s what happens when I haven’t seen it in over 2 years! I actually love shoveling the snow!

For the first time in years, I am actually enjoying this winter and the cold! If anyone knows me, they’ll know that I absolutely detest the cold winters but this year things are different –I am seeing all the beauty that winter brings: the crisp cold air, the beauty of the snow and the intricate details of each tiny snowflake, the beauty of the landscape after a major snow storm (this doesn’t include the slush on the streets of course!) and just the sereneness of it all as everyone hides away in their homes for warmth.

Pre-Job Jitters

Once again, I’m all over the place today, a series of highs then lows. It started off well enough but quickly spiraled down plateauing to an even plain. *sigh* I feel incredibly frustrated and confused. I’m happy, sad and everything in between.

Everything is moving forward in my life –got a job, being more social and enjoying the company of others, all in all, doing much better physically and mentally than I was over a month ago yet I still feel the angst, the worry and the fear tugging away at me a little bit at a time.

I think it’s great that everything is moving along and there’s no going back now. I’m committed to the job and all the responsibilities that come along with it. And that’s what kind of freaks me out –what if I crumble under the pressure, what if I really suck at these greater responsibilities, what if people view me as incompetent of holding this position, then what?! yikes! I know it’s silly of me to question these things but I am still learning to control my inner chatterbox.

On the good days, I know I will handle it all –the meetings, the reports, the conference calls, everything. I will do whatever it takes to be good at what I do, no matter what others think of me. I know that I am strong, that I have an excellent work ethic and that I have knowledge of every aspect of the company so yes! I will handle anything that comes along.

It’s just jitters and nerves kicking in for the first day of work next week that’s got me questioning my abilities. I know that once I get back into everything, I will be fine and if I’m not, that’s okay because I won’t be there alone, I will have support from my other co-workers.

So I should relax and chill out . . .

To V Or Not To V

I’m starting to get the jitters. I’m nervous about the next few days. I’m telling myself that I’m nervous about meeting with the new Executive Director and the upcoming job prospect but I would be lying if I said that’s the only thing I’m nervous about.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day –for a single person, this day does not really bring about much joy but instead, is just a regular day. For the past couple years, it has always been that way and I’ve never had any problems with that. I find it much easier not to have to worry about what to do on that special day and especially having to deal with all the pressure that is placed upon that particular day.

This year however, it’s a tad different. I was invited by a boy to watch a cabaret show together, let’s call him BH. The background story is that BH and I have known each other for a bit over three years, lost touch for almost two years of that time and it was only recently that we have started chatting and getting to know each other better.

We have both been through major ups and downs in our lives and seemed to reconnect again because we went through similar experiences. Also because I think there was always something there to begin with but the time was never right.

When we first met, BH was seriously involved in a relationship but despite knowing this, I definitely felt an attraction towards him and I think that he did as well. We had several intelligent conversations, joked around a bit and no matter what, the attraction was always there. I sometimes got the feeling that he avoided me for that reason and I totally understand why.

Fast forward two years later, BH’s relationship has gone horribly wrong and he’s slowly piecing his life back together. Things for me were not any better as I had gone through my own personal hell but in the end, I finally made it back to this side of the pond in one piece. Needless to say, we both have been traumatized by past experiences of love.

So back to the point –do I think of this outing with him as a date? or is it two friends hanging out together on a day which happens to be Valentine’s day. There’s all this pressure associated with Valentine’s and I really don’t want to succumb to any of that and jinx anything. The idea of a date also holds its own expectations and pressures so I really don’t want to consider that either. But at the same time, I’m thinking that he must be aware of the implications if he’s inviting me on this day. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it all. Maybe it is just a friendly outing and if so, why am I starting to feel jittery and excited about it?

I have a tendency to crush often and fall hard for boys and I think that may be why. In my mind, I’m trying to figure out if this is a crush or someone I actually really like. The problem is that I really don’t want to get involved in a relationship at this point in my life and he’s also mentioned that he will be leaving in a year to do some traveling and writing so it’s kind of pointless isn’t it?

However, no matter what happens, I’m going to try not to expect too much and just enjoy my time with him and see how things go. Getting to know each other and being friends is a good start and hopefully all this Valentine’s talk won’t be the end of us but possibly the beginning of something nice.

Things Slowly Falling Into Place

Why is it that I can never write when I am feeling ok? It seems that I write more when I am feeling down and depressed than when I am feeling happy and excited. Note to self: try to be more consistent with writing on said blog! Anyways . . .

I’ve definitely had my share of ups and down this past week but now, I am super excited about a temporary job prospect and about getting back out into the workforce again. It will be awesome to work with certain people again. I’m sure the company has changed in the years that I have been gone but I am glad that they have considered me for this temporary position.

I was initially quite surprised to hear from them and was uncertain about whether I wanted to go back. But after quite a lot of thought, I decided that I would like to go back and work there again for a couple months. I am familiar with the way the company works and I like the people and it would be an excellent step back into the industry again. I’m hoping that things will be different this time around and that I will be able to be happy with my position and the work that I am doing.

When I left last time, I was tired and run down. I learned everything there was to learn about the job and more and I put my all into the company but by the end, I knew it was time for me to move on. I needed a break from everything –work, the city and especially the people around me. This time around, I’m sure things will be different –some new employees, new company direction as well as the possibility of some business travel! I’m stoked about that!

Another great accomplishment this past week was me getting back out into city life and seeing people I haven’t seen in years. Making the effort to head out to the birthday parties, two nights in a row was a major thing for me because I had been away for such a long time, it felt really intimidating and scary. But I am glad I went and faced my fear of reconnecting with old acquaintances and meeting new people. I had a fun time chatting, drinking and dancing and it definitely made my weekend! Best weekend I’ve had in a long long time.

Jumbles ≠ Happy

Once again I am finding it hard to stick with following through with things I have started. That seems to be a recurring problem in my life these days. I feel so unmotivated to do things and I really don’t feel like writing. Add that to my mix of jumbles.

I am still in my pyjamas and robe sitting here trying to make sense of everything, again. It’s a constant uphill battle to get my mind back on track and back to real life. I guess that’s the trick isn’t it, how to get back out there without doing something social incorrect or just plain freezing and being an outcast.

Up and down, up and down. It’s a constant and recurring struggle with myself to make things happen. When I do make the effort, I am left with a high that gradually fades to nothing and then I am left feeling low again. How sad can this be?

I have no privacy in this house and it doesn’t help that the job market for my industry seems quite stagnant at the moment with very little job offerings. Sometimes the life in which I want to achieve seems so far away and so unattainable.

But best to try to see the positives right? It is the beginning of a new year, so much more can happen over the next 12 months. A fresh beginning with lots of success, luck, money and good health. That’s part of what I wished for this new year.

The other part being happiness. I just want to be happy. I want my family to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy. It’s a simple thing to want but sometimes it can be so hard to attain.

Inanities

Wasting time. Time Wasting. Procrastination. Bored. Lazy. Uninspired. Unmotivated. Whatever you call it. That’s me today. I am not getting anywhere with anything. My Ipod is on the fritz and my mind is a sordid mess. Can’t focus. Can’t concentrate. The wind is blowing up a storm outside.

My desk is a physical mess: loose papers, old agendas, digital camera, empty tea cup, red apple, green mini stapler, receipts that are not mine, yellow mini post-it notes, subway tokens, pens, pills, headphones, Ipod, camera wires, hair brush, speakers, half-read book, used tissues, blue coaster, cup of water, paid bills, old airline tickets, ripening banana, random notepads, blank cds, membership cards, wrist watch, loose change . . . *sigh*

Nothing seems to be on track today. Looking at my desk makes me frazzled, seemingly very reminiscent of how things are in my mind. Constantly up and down, here nor there, forwards and backwards, never really focusing on one thing or item at hand. Getting things done is not an option today. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the cold, maybe it’s just me, once again lost in the sea of random inane musings of life.

Online Interactions

I’m sitting here staring at the computer screen wondering how to reach out and interact with others. I use to know how to do it with ease and efficiency but now I feel some trepidation at trying to reach out and interact with random strangers using the internet as an interface. Funny how I’m saying this while I’m trying to write my blog.

What I am getting at is the whole message board / forums thing. I am finding it a tad intimidating right now to get back into the whole posting on the boards and enjoying the interactions with others. I used to do it frequently before I left on my journeys and now that I’m back, I feel differently about it; in a way I have forgotten how the whole posting thing works anymore.

I think it’s the putting myself back out there issue that is at work here. I do not feel as if I am ready to put myself out there, back into that social group again without having to deal with any of the other social consequences that come along with it.

Personally, there is sometimes a lot of pressure that comes along with posting online, such as maintaining a certain online image or persona or how to come to grips with the way people see you and the way you really are in real life. The thing is I don’t feel like I have an online persona anymore, I’ve been gone so long that maybe people have forgotten who I am on this board, so maybe I am over-analyzing myself again.

However despite all this, I am feeling the growing need to just throw myself back out there and force myself to interact with people again. This may be good for me to become more comfortable with being social again and especially to get back into the groove of city living.

Road Less Traveled

It’s been a few days since I was here. I’ve been going through some things –thought processes, reflections and trying to understand my own place in life. I got the opportunity to meet up with some old friends from middle school recently and that was what really started me thinking about the way my life has moved forward and quite honestly, diverged from the norm.

A majority of these friends I met up with were already married with one to two kids. It was interesting to see the transformation in them, considering that I hadn’t seen many of them in over five years or even ten years. The way I remember them from our school days was quite a striking contrast to how I saw them in the present time. And in some ways, it was fitting for them because from what I remembered they have always lived their lives’ according to societal norms and never ventured beyond the lines.

But at the same time, it’s still something that is taking a while to sink in and absorb. Seeing them move towards a different phase of life was quite contrasting to the way in which I remembered them so the juxtaposition was huge. There were moments in which I felt I had absolutely nothing in common with them.

The discussions were all about parenthood, the little inanities of raising a wee one and the troubles they encountered. And as much as the discussion was interesting for a while, it quickly became clear that I was not really a part of this world and it consequently, made me question my own life and the very different path in which I chose to take.

Quite frankly, I know my life has diverged from the norm –I look around me and I see no one who has led the life I have and I can honestly say I do not have any regrets about any of the decisions I made in my life. I took chances. I ventured into the unknown alone, with a feeling of adventure and constantly searched for something new and enticing. I am not sad that I am not married with kids at this point in my life. I am happy that I got to travel the world and experience many adventures that many have only dreamed of doing.

Funnily enough, despite the many questions this gathering forced me to answer in myself, I am now left with a feeling of contentment and satisfaction in knowing that I did things for myself and did everything I wanted to do before I “settled down.” In time, I know all those things will come my way and when that time comes, I will welcome it readily and without any regrets on whether I made the right choices in my life.