Feeling Like an Impostor

Wow. I really suck at this blog thing! I haven’t been here in ages!! I have been so busy with work and trying to get my life back on track that it’s so hard to find time to sit at the computer to write after work hours. I am now at work and need some time to refocus my thoughts before jumping back in again so hopefully this will help.

I have been overwhelmed with my job these past couple weeks, granted I just started about three weeks ago. Sometimes I feel a tad incompetent as I have forgotten how things work in the “real world”.

Getting up early every morning and taking the subway an hour and a half during rush hour is taking a while to get use to but I am slowly adjusting. Oddly enough, I am beginning to enjoy my time into the city as it gives me a chance to listen to my music, read my book or contemplate the day ahead or if it’s the ride back, to think about things that have happened during the day.

In regards to my job, some days are good days and I get a lot of work done but on other days, I feel as if I’m floundering, having no clue what to do and unable to focus on the task at hand. My concentration is definitely lacking, it’s so hard to focus because for two years, I haven’t needed to flex those skills! But as they say, the brain is a muscle so I just need to work on it daily and hopefully I’ll be up to par with what my abilities once were or maybe even better!

Have you ever felt like you were an impostor in someone’s life? As if one day, someone’s going to come in and boot you out because you don’t belong? That’s how I’ve been feeling on those down days –I feel like an impostor trying to do this job, incompetent, lost and that one day, the big boss will find out that I don’t know what the hell I am doing and fire me! *LOL* I know it’s absurd but on those unproductive days, I can’t help but indulge in some sordid nightmare/fantasy reality.

So today is one of those unproductive days, it started off productive enough but then I got sidetracked by a telephone call, the processing of the invoices and my interaction with the big boss. Consequently, now I can’t seem to focus on what I was doing prior to the interruptions! I’m hoping that writing about it and about my inabilities to focus will eventually help me to focus because I will be able to get it all out of my system! And usually writing really helps me to focus and apparently I haven’t been doing enough of that online!! Maybe I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone, who knows! Well, I’m off to try and get back on track now!

Inanities

Wasting time. Time Wasting. Procrastination. Bored. Lazy. Uninspired. Unmotivated. Whatever you call it. That’s me today. I am not getting anywhere with anything. My Ipod is on the fritz and my mind is a sordid mess. Can’t focus. Can’t concentrate. The wind is blowing up a storm outside.

My desk is a physical mess: loose papers, old agendas, digital camera, empty tea cup, red apple, green mini stapler, receipts that are not mine, yellow mini post-it notes, subway tokens, pens, pills, headphones, Ipod, camera wires, hair brush, speakers, half-read book, used tissues, blue coaster, cup of water, paid bills, old airline tickets, ripening banana, random notepads, blank cds, membership cards, wrist watch, loose change . . . *sigh*

Nothing seems to be on track today. Looking at my desk makes me frazzled, seemingly very reminiscent of how things are in my mind. Constantly up and down, here nor there, forwards and backwards, never really focusing on one thing or item at hand. Getting things done is not an option today. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the cold, maybe it’s just me, once again lost in the sea of random inane musings of life.