Blast From The Past

I found this email in my drafts folder dated Monday April 19, 2004. I wrote it to someone whom I cared deeply for, who was a huge part of my life, who broke my heart and rebuilt it, time and time again. We’ve had loads of ups and downs throughout the years, on and off again, but always remaining good friends. Recently, we decided to end our relationship for good and to just try and stay friends.

So to come across this email now, it’s sad to read; to see how we have both changed as people. Due to the circumstances of our lives and our experiences, life has affected us in different ways and we have become different from each other. Despite how hard it was to read though, it reminded me how much I have grown. I am no longer that person who wrote that letter and in many ways, I am happy about that. Happy because I am no longer emotionally dependent upon one person, that I can be my own person again. It’s hard to believe that I’ve come so far in just under 4 years. The email below is unedited, except for the shortening of the names for privacy and paragraph insertions for an easier read.

i miss you. things just haven’t been the same lately. maybe its you, maybe its me, maybe its both of us. i’m sad. sad that you’re leaving. sad that things are changing between us. its so hard for me to watch you be all self destructive and hurt yourself. i’m trying my hardest to be there for you, to show my support for you. but i can only take so much. it hurts me to see you take insane amounts of everything just so you can get yourself fucked up.

i don’t know what i’m trying to say here really, i guess i just need to get this off my chest. i guess what it all comes down to is, i just feel so alone sometimes and i guess a part of me still clings on to what we had and in some ways, still have. i yearn to feel loved and appreciated, just like most people do.

i know i shouldn’t expect anything from you, just your friendship. but it’s still very hard for me to separate my feelings of love and friendship. every day that i don’t hear from you, i’m constantly wondering what you’re doing and if you’re ok. it’s difficult for me when i can’t reach you. sometimes i feel let down and disappointed cuz you’re never around for me anymore and even though you’re still in the country, it doesn’t feel like you’re here.

i’m trying very hard not to feel like this and to disconnect myself from these feelings but in the end, its still there. i’m just so frustrated with everything - i wanna spend a lot of time with you before you leave but you seem to need the time alone, which makes everything a bit more annoying. and when we’re together, you’re down, you have a lot on your mind and you’re a little more quieter so we don’t talk as much about different things anymore. it’s like we’re kicking around an old soccer ball back and forth, waiting for something to happen.

i guess it’s partly because we feel so comfortable around each other that we don’t have to talk all the time but it just seems more quieter than usual these days. i miss the joking around, the more private moments we use to share, and the little bits attention i’d get from you. but you’re not like that with everyone though - you still talk to m. and s. about various things that you don’t talk to me about, which is good. i’m glad that you’re still able to make connections with others when i can’t.

i’ve mentioned this before - i envy the type of relationships you have with m. and s. you can talk about politics, philosophy, relationships, life, etc. with them and it flows, no effort needed. as for me, i have to struggle to discuss some of this stuff with some people, it just doesn’t come easily for me. i don’t know, maybe i’m just over analyzing everything in my life and blowing everything way out of proportion.

i’m just so torn about my feelings for you. as much as i try not to let your actions affect how i feel, its hard. i want to be able to be there for you, to help you with anything that i can. i want to be able to enjoy these last couple weeks with you and cherish the memories. i want things to be ok again, for things to be carefree and un-boring.

but yet at the same time, i can’t bear to see you destroy yourself and fuck yourself up. i realize that you go through extremes in your life and you need to figure out things on you own - i respect that. i know that one day you will find your way to whatever your true passion may be. i just want you to be happy with all the decisions that you make in your life. and if you’re happy then i’m happy for you.

i recognize that you leaving is something you need to do for yourself. as much as it’ll hurt to see you go, i know it’ll be better in the long run. it’ll be better for you, for your mind, body and soul. when you left last year, you were in a bad mental state of mind, in the same self destructive mode you are in now. it was hard for me then, but i tried my hardest to be supportive and give you a send-off you wouldn’t forget, hoping that things would be better for you when you left.

and then when i went to visit you, i saw the changes in you. you were a bit different but it was good, it was like you were a totally new and refreshed person. so i know that you going away this time will most definitely be better for you. but it’s still so hard for me to come to terms with it because this time it’s more final, you won’t be back for a long time.

in spite of that, i’m happy that you’re doing what you want and i can only hope that you will discover your path in life and that you will be happy. i’m going to miss your company dearly - you’re the only person i can truly be honest with and can talk to about anything. i will truly miss our long conversations and just being together. that’s why i want to make the most of the time we have left but it’s not possible because you are so distant these days, unreachable.

i feel like i’m being selfish, i just want time alone with you all the time, i don’t want to share. it’s like i need to be around you lots before you go away for good. i just want to hold you and never let you go. i really don’t want to cause you any more drama cuz i know you have enough in your life right now.

i don’t know if i’m going to send this.

Learning To Let Go To Move Forward

I don’t know whether to be angry or sad when I see pictures of people who use to be a huge part of my life. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been shut out of this life that once was, while they continue to bond, spend time together and be happy as if nothing has changed. Though I don’t regret my decisions and the choices I made in regards to the situation, it has opened my eyes to the reality of my friendships.

I have learned that when times get tough, this particular group of people are unable to cope and are especially unable to communicate their feelings and emotions. All the years spent together were based on happy moments of jokes, fun and laughter and then when things got too hard to deal with, many shut down and shut me out because I chose to deal with things and acknowledge the realities of the situation. What I still have a hard time believing and understanding is how they were unable to forgive and let go. To this day, only one person has been able to talk to me openly about this situation. It is almost two years now and no one has approached me to discuss things and make peace.

No matter how I feel in the matter, it’s still a hard thing to accept and deal with. What I thought I knew about friendships no longer exists; all my emotions and feelings for what I thought friendship was about, lay shattered and broken. I now find it hard to connect with new people, to open myself up and show people who I really am.

But at the same time, I know life goes on. I know I must move forward and break away from this past life. I keep telling myself that I will be better off without them, that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and deep down in my heart, I know I can rebuild my life without them. However, as much as I know this, I continue to have sudden relapses when I see or hear things that remind me of them and the fact that they are proceeding with their lives without me.

The most difficult part to deal with is knowing that they can continue on as if nothing has happened with our friendships. They are missing several key people from the group, who were at one time, a major part of their lives but now they act as if they never existed, as if I never existed. What continues to plague me regularly is wondering why they were not willing to fight for our friendship, why they were so willing to turn their backs on me and why no one cares to discuss it with me and try to resolve things between us.

In the end, all I am left with are questions with no answers and memories of days gone by. I try and try to put these thoughts, questions, feelings and memories out of my mind and for the most part I do. It’s just hard to let go, let go of things in the past with which you have such a strong emotional connection to. But I am learning day by day that I can move forward and move on. In time, I know I will be free from these past emotional connections that hold me back and keep me in a place in which I no longer wish to be. It is a slow and emotional process but I believe I will make it through this obstacle that life has thrown at me.