I’m finding it so hard to write these days. The words, emotions and thoughts that are bouncing around in my head are refusing to come out coherently. Lately, I’ve been bombarded with so many things that my emotions are a mishmash jumble in my mind. What I want to say does not come out the way I want; how I’m feeling does not come across the right way in my words and sentences.
I think the root of the problem lies in the fact that I’m set to return home in a couple days after being away for almost two years. I’m having mixed feelings about going home. On the one hand, I’m excited to see my family and friends and to reconnect with people whom I haven’t seen in a long time. On the other hand, I don’t know what my life will be like when I return home and if I can ever really settle back into regular city living, especially readjusting to everything that has changed since I’ve been gone.
However, on the upside, I am looking forward to restarting my life again and to discovering who I am as an independent person. For the longest time, I’ve always been a part of something, of someone else’s life, seen as the other half of that couple. Amongst all that, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be myself, to be my own person and to be self reliant. In a sense, it’s quite freeing to know that I won’t have to worry about another person’s feelings and that I can do whatever I want and not get too emotionally attached to any one person.
I am actually looking forward to being alone and on my own for the first time in my life. Surprisingly it’s quite a nice feeling. If you were to tell me a couple years ago that in the future I would be happy to be alone and on my own, I would have thought you were crazy! But now I realize that I’ve grown more as a person over these past years overseas than I’ve grown living in one place for my entire life. Travelling and getting the opportunity to experience different cultures has been an eye opening experience for me and despite the fact that I’ve experienced some of the lowest lows of my life, I would not change anything. I’ve learned more about myself and my abilities through those lows, which ironically, have enabled me to have a more optimistic vision for my future.
My fears of returning home are primarily concerns about whether I will be happy with city life and whether I will be able to continue to enjoy my life doing the regular 9-5 bit. As of right now, I am content to try it out and see where it takes me and then proceed from there. Knowing myself though, I tend to have a taste for wandering and constantly moving and ejecting myself from my comfort zones. In some odd way, I feel comforted with the unknown, especially the feeling of being a stranger in a foreign place without anyone knowing who you are or what your life has been about. It’s a chance to start fresh and that’s what I really hope to do when I return home –to start fresh, forget everything and everyone that has held me back in the past and wipe the slate clean. For the first time in my life, I’m finally beginning to feel positive about myself and where my life is heading and it feels quite nice.
